Yow. This week’s topic for SexyMama blog is interesting, it’s “desire” - as in, how to keep it even with sleep deprivation, stress, hormones and anything else that might be going on. Happily for me, the days of sleep deprivation are long gone, but oh my do I remember the period of time during which I got about 2 hours sleep a night. Being a single mom at the time, of 1, 2 and 3 year olds, with a soon-to-be ex who wasn’t participating in the childcare, it was ROUGH. It sucked. I couldn’t actually get in a car and drive for more than a mile or so without starting to doze off.

Nowadays it’s not sleep getting in the way, it’s privacy (sharing a home with 3 kids and 6 pets leaves very little uninterrupted time), stress, and most recently the added physical exertion of training for a triathlon. The physical activity is actually good, and I know it’s not just me, it’s pretty much proven that exercise leads to higher libido levels. Still, sometimes my body is pretty tired out, so I suppose then I can just communicate with Elliott “hell NO, I’m not going to be on top, my legs are shot”. Heh.

I wish I had a good cure-all for what to do when one of the above is getting in the way. The most obvious thing is to say “hey, make a little time for yourself” - but I do realize that most of us consider time for ourselves a luxury. It’s taken me several years to get over the mindset that if I’m not constantly doing things for either the kids or the husband, I’m somehow not doing enough. Now, I’ve fully embraced the idea that a happier and more relaxed me is the best thing I CAN give them. If I need it, I can say to Elliott “hey, I’ve just got to have a couple of hours - can you do x, y or z?” Sometimes he can, sometimes he can’t, since we’re both pretty busy, but we definitely TRY to help each other out, and encourage each other to have downtime.

I’m sure a zillion sex/relationship advice books say that - but there’s a reason: it’s totally valid advice. A long time ago, when I was in a relationship when my kids were that young, when I was sleep deprived, hormonal and stressed out, I found the time where I could: in the drive over to meeting the then-partner. I’d get a babysitter, and I’d have a half hour of driving to switch gears from stressed out mommy to sexual, hopefully interesting woman. That was the only “me” time I had back then, but I took it and it worked.

On another note, I have a lovely little getaway kit from Babeland to give away to a reader: it has massage oil, bath fizzies, little travel candles, lube, a cute little vibe, a condom - all the little accouterments one might need for when the mood does strike. Leave a comment, and I’ll happily pick a random reader to send it out to.

You know what I need help with anymore? desire to write. I’m having an easy enough time with sex, but writing? feh.

Today being the first day of the SexyMamaBlog project, I’m sitting down now with my cup of coffee to write about topic one: Sex Positive Families – what does it mean, and how do you create this in a rather sex-negative culture? How do you model being a sex-positive mom?

I don’t think I grew up in a particularly sex-negative household, it was more of a sex-apathetic household. My mother was a volunteer for Planned Parenthood for at least a decade (probably more) counseling teenagers about birth control options and reproductive choices. That said, I somehow got the feeling that she was exceedingly embarrassed to talk to her own two daughters about anything at all. I learned plenty about HALF of the important things: how to protect myself from unplanned pregnancy and STDs, but not the other important thing: the pleasure principle. If anything, I grew up thinking sex was normal but overrated. Then, marrying a man who was a product of a conservative sex-negative religious upbringing, I didn’t really have the experience or tools to have any pleasure in our sex life.

That was eons ago, but I want a better experience for my daughters than I had. My take on sex-positive is this: good sex is an integral part of our lives, necessary for physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing. And that is in whatever form is right for the person involved, be it gay, straight, bi, queer, poly, monogamous, kinky, ‘nilla, or whatever inbetween of any of those. The other part of being sex positive, to me, is to make myself available for questions, but not to foist information on them before they want it. They have access to tons of reading if they’re uncomfortable asking me things. They have their Aunt Heather if they want another adult to talk to, and their Auntie Natasha as well.

I don’t know how well I’m doing - what I do know is that each person is so unique, there isn’t one right answer. My oldest daughter will probably never speak to me about anything relating to sex. It’s simply not in her comfort zone. My middle daughter has already come to me for advice, birth control, and talked Auntie Heather’s ear off time and again with questions. I have tried to convey my opinions, which are to be safe, and to make sure sex is pleasurable for BOTH parties, something too often lost in teenage relations. That said, I also have my own limits with my daughters - my own comfort levels with what I do and don’t want to know. I may know that my middle daughter is sexually active with her longterm boyfriend, but I don’t want to be her best friend and hear the details, any more than she wants to hear about what Elliott and I do or don’t do. I think it’s important to respect boundaries there on both sides.

I will say that I am not the parent I thought I’d be. Now that they are teenagers, the reality of my emotion about things is not what I’d envisioned it might be. My oh-so-enlightened “anything consensual is ok” attitudes have been tested, with middle of the night worries. What it always boils down to is wanting to spare your children unhappiness or injury, physical or emotional. Unrealistic, definitely, but completely normal to wish for. Are we a sex-positive household? I hope so, but it’s not something I wake up thinking about how to do. It’s more of an attitude along the way, the little comments as issues are encountered. Saying something when awful mainstream media messages pop up in front of us, instead of letting them slide.

One of the things that’s always interesting is how a kid’s perspective differs from the parent. My own mother now claims that she never made the comment “sex is overrated” (which she did, repeatedly, when I was growing up) because she remembers herself being more openminded. How my own daughters will remember their upbringing remains to be seen, but I can almost guarantee they’ll remember it differently than I do. :)

K, so starting tomorrow I’m going to participate for the month of May in Babeland’s Sexy Mama blog. Each week, those of us participating will write on a new theme suggested by Babeland, relating to sex and parenting themes. Oh, and I get to give away one yummy prize to a reader, although I haven’t determined yet how I’ll pick a winner for that. So: stay tuned, it’ll be the most regular updates for me in at least a year. :)

~Jane

Ok, so yesterday I posted something about what appeared to be a site hack - at first we wondered if it was a Wordpress issue, since a security bug fix was released around the same time we started getting reports of people being redirected to fullpage ads on our site. Then we thought somehow our javascript was hacked. After much investigation, mystery solved, and I’m feeling quite angry. We use Adbrite for a few text ads on our site - mostly it’s a couple of phonesex companies, and literotica (whom I like) that are there. It’s an easy way for me to at least offer some advertising on JanesGuide, but I’ve always taken pains to make sure that I see and approve of the text ads that appear, and that they ARE just text ads. Well, awhile back Adbrite sold or partnered with, or opened a second brand name or something to handle the adult portion of their business, called BlackLabelAds. I never bothered to even sign in there, as I could still approve ads and view stats through the interface I’ve always used. I looked at Adbrite when this happened, by the way, to make sure it wasn’t from there - and sure enough, they showed only the text ads I’d approved.

I decided to login in to BlackLabelAds to make sure nothing was amiss, however. I’m very glad I did, and very pissed off. While told at the time that BlackLabel was launched that all account info would be transferred the SAME as it was set in Adbrite, apparently someone over there decided to change my acceptance policy about a week ago, on fullpage ads without so much as informing me, much less asking my consent. This greatly pisses me off. I changed the settings back to what they were before (it looks from the statistics there as if this only happened for about a week) - and the beautiful part of it is, my site was changed, over 13,000 of my readers were subjected to fullpage ads that looked like redirects, and for all of this I got a whopping $35.

I’ve turned down fullpage ads for $1.00 PER view because I never wanted to sully my website with them. Grrr…

While I was gone, it appears that there was a security breach on the site, and somehow people were being redirected to various sites that I have no reviews of, much less affiliation with. Not entirely sure how it happened, but I *think* it’s fixed. If you do find yourself sent off somewhere when you haven’t clicked anything PLEASE let me know, I’m fairly upset about it. Since I can’t seem to duplicate it (it happened to me randomly as I was checking the most recent listings I’d posted) I am not entirely comfortable that it’s really fixed. :(

Anyhow, the trip was wonderful! Did a bunch of sailing, and a very tiny bit of diving. The diving, sadly, wasn’t much fun for me. I was too cold (wetsuit from the dive shop was a tad too big and I got water flow in) and the visibility was poor. I shivered the whole time and went through way more air than usual. Elliott went on two dives, but I stayed up top and had a beer with the other half of the group that opted out.

Every time we go to Mexico, we fantasize about staying there. I thought about it a bit more seriously this time, and realized that I don’t actually want to. I think the best thing would be to visit for longer periods of time (once the girls are in college) but not LIVE there. I love where we live now, grinding weather patterns aside.

So: back to serious work on all fronts: here, the triathlon training, getting my little retail thing geared up… way too much to do, and not enough hours in the day.

~Jane

It’s snowing here. I got my snow tires taken off last week, and now for two days in a row it’s snowed. Unbelievable.

Just figured I’d check in since it’s been awhile. Everything is going wonderfully, (weather woes aside) my daughters ALL just had birthdays and one more birthday season is behind me. Elliott and I have moved back to a home office, something I didn’t think I’d ever do. I worked from home for so many years, and I didn’t like not having enough separation between work and home. This is slightly better since the home office is a very separate space, so maybe it’ll work for me. But, I have yet another new project (the first one I cryptically mentioned is that I’m training for a triathlon. There, secret out) and the latest is a retail store I’m planning on opening in the fall. Yes, a brick-and-mortar thing. I’m tired of everything being virtual, I think I may actually be ready to interact with people in person! heh. And no, it’s not adult retail, it’s G-rated. :)

So, as you can see, it’s been busy around here. Busy, and fun. 6 pets, 3 kids, 3 businesses now, and the one adoring (and adored) husband that makes the whole rest of it possible by dealing with my increasingly diverse interests. He’s been biking and swimming with me, which is REALLY nice. Biking is boring alone. He refuses to run, but I understand why - of the 3 sports in tri, running is the one I loathe.

Anyhow - the tri I’m doing is in June, so I’ll have to post an update at some point and let y’all know how I did. :)

~Jane

This is the time of year here in Washington State where we start to wonder if we’re just going to completely rust to a stop. Or freeze. The older I get the less tolerance I have for cold, and I hate being at my winter pallor. I’m all happy though because we just booked a trip in April to Puerto Vallarta. yay! We went last April and it was sooo much fun sailing in Banderas Bay. I know it’s a long way off (2 months away) but it gives me something to look forward to.

On another note, I have a g-rated side project - if you’re a longtime reader and are curious, email me and I’ll tell you where it is. :)

~Jane

Today is my 4year-iversary with Elliott. 4 years ago, at 5:30 pm, my whole world shifted. Previous to that, I was definitely a non-believer in destiny, love-at-first-sight, etc. I still don’t categorize it as “love” at first sight, but rather as “recognition”. When I met him I just KNEW. I didn’t love him, I’d just met him. But I knew. It was the weirdest thing.

(Happy-versary baby!!)

~Jane

I am realizing just why I started a blog way back when to begin with. Most of it was little bits of “hey, there’s a real person here behind this” stuff. And for awhile it was more, and for a short time it was way less.

I’m around, getting caught up after the holidays. Spent several days in Canada skiing, with the family and a huge group of friends who have become like second family. Remodel is 75% done, I have the flu, I was greatly enjoying a few emails that were blasts from the (now 10 years distant) online past. Oh, and I FINALLY got the last couple of t-shirts and prizes mailed out. I suck. I do everything way later than I mean to, whether it’s updating this, sending out prizes, or whatever. It’s not so much that I procrastinate as it is that I always commit to WAY more than I can possibly get done in a day. At any rate, if I have a 2008 resolution, that’s it: only commit to what I can actually do, not everything that I *wish* I could do.

But, 2008 so far is treating us all just fine. Aside from the flu. And I know I said I wasn’t blogging, but I guess in addition to being sucky with not doing things in a timely manner, I also go back on what I say once in awhile. But not in a bad way, just in a “I felt like writing something tonight, so I did” way. :)

~Jane

Nope, haven’t changed my mind on blogging more, although I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented and wrote emails about my years of blogs. It was bittersweet, ’cause it made me miss how I USED to feel about blogging. Ah well, the one certainty in life is change, right? Anyhow, the real reason I’m posting is to mention (because I posted to watch THIS space, and now it’s a different space) that the prize giveaways are going on now on my Giveaway blog - which doesn’t have an RSS feed, which is how some of you get this. So: want to win cool stuff? DVDs and sextoys and JanesGuide tshirts, all personally Christmas wrapped by yours truly? Then go to the Giveaway Blog to enter - I’m doing a new one about every 2-3 days throughout the month.

Wishing you happy holidays!!
~Jane