at any rate, thank you for the validation that it’s ok to post such things, and please ALWAYS jump in on the comments should you feel the desire. It is definitely not a prerequisite to be a real life friend, and I’m sorry that there was any perception of that.

The two points you did add were well noted. I read a bit last year about the latest teen brain research (impulse control is the last to develop) and as far as the emotional aspects of sex, some of us go a lifetime trying to figure out and mitigate *those* risks, the physical ones notwithstanding.

very much appreciate the thoughtful reply.

~Jane

I’d like to add two points which I think are further evidence of Jane’s excellent parenting: First, adults – sophisticated adults – have great difficulty understanding risk, especially when it involves estimating risk over time (and sexual risk, of course, increases across time; not true of all activities). There’s actually some good scientific work demonstrating this (e.g., Dietrich Dorner, The Logic of Failure). Second, there’s some biological research that suggests that the teenage brain is not, in fact, the adult brain in a young body, as had been thought. This research suggests that the portions of the brain which project facts in time (if I do X today, what will the consequence[s] be tomorrow, next week, next year) don’t fully develop until the mid-20’s. (Alas, parenting’s effect on memory prevents me from providing a citation at the moment).

It occurs to me that I may have intruded on a private conversation between friends (I’ve been an intermittent visitor to the site since, I think, 1998 or 1999). If that’s the case, my apologies for the unsolicited comment.

I don’t normally – or ever – expect thoughtful, sensitive and expert parenting advice on the same domain that I’m searching for racy, warm and sweet porn recommendations. Or any combination of good porn and good parenting advice. There’s a radical combination that’s conservative with respect to bandwidth!

J.

Thanks!

There has been a decent bit of study done on who teens really want to talk to about sex, and it’s kind of a tricky conclusion.

In short, overall, teens want their parents to talk to them about sex, and very much want to feel able to do so with parents — so I think some of that “Oh, eek! Parent talking about sex! Groan! Squick!” — isn’t actually a negative response as it may sound, but rather just a way of having that talk but still wanting some degree of privacy between each other. Most teens tend to report that even when it feels squicky, they’re glad to have those conversations.

But they also report wanting, additionally, someone or someones to talk to where they have more emotional distance, or a different kind of realtionship, than they do with parents, and where they have to worry less about disappointing that person. I get a LOT of teens who report very real concerns about their parents thinking less of them, or being disappointed, and those ones aren’t concerned about getting in trouble so much as being invested in their parents thinking well of them and being proud of them.

Uma

But you know I’m not kidding. Really: heck, there’s a lot of families out there wish they had a youth sex educator in their circle of friends, and the least I can do for the girls I care about is give them the same thing I give to kid after kid I don’t even know every day, eh? Please: anytime.

Sorry we missed you yesterday, thought we might see you at downtown protest…

You do know I’m happy to be slightly-more-objective auntie so you don’t have to field all of this on your own and so that you don’t feel the GINORMOUS weight that is feeling like all she’s going on per adult input is what’s coming from you, right?

Big hugs, gal. You do FINE.