Many years ago, my good friend Heather read my palm over cocktails one night. She said I had a double lifeline – it was a long lifeline, but two that finally merged into one. I found it interesting at the time, because back then I felt quite split into two distinct lives: my life running this site and being active in the local BDSM community, and my “real” life as a mom and with family and friends who had no idea what I did for a living.

I’ve been trying for years to figure out how the two merge. When I met Elliott, I know I was tired of feeling so split – and the older the girls got, the more I was spending time in “real” life where they needed me. Gone were the days of getting a babysitter for an evening, to disappear to a club. For the first couple of years of life with Elliott, nobody in my new social circle knew any of this life. The subject would come up of what I did for a living, and I’d give some vague answer about computer work. As for why, I feel like it’s an even split between worrying about how I’d feel if people reacted negatively, and a very strong sense of not wanting to ever make others uncomfortable with the subject to begin with.

As for the alt life merging with the Elliott life, well – I had a few close friends come to our wedding, and tried to stay in touch as best I could, but again I found that without time for going to the things I used to go to, play parties and workshops and such, we just kind of fell out of touch. I’m off the guest lists, I no longer have time for Seattle or Vancouver visits, the emails have dwindled.

Now, for the first time, I feel the lives starting to merge a little bit. Most of my new-life friends know what I do for a living, and have no issue with it. I think a few of them find it racy, but nobody is judgmental or offended. It’s nice to not have to hide it, although there are still those people who ask and get the vague “computer work” answer. And for the first time someone from my “alt” life, Heather, is going to merge into the new life when she comes out sailing with me this week on a visit. She’s going to come on a race, and I’m finding myself excited about the prospect of sharing that element of my life with a friend that it’s new to. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve been real friends for ages – she knows and loves my girls – but THIS aspect, the new social circle, that’s new.

This all may sound weird, this whole entry, that I should have felt split. Or that I worry about who knows what about my life. If anything, the number of people who have reacted positively greatly outweighs the negative, when it comes to friends or acquaintances inadvertently finding out about my unconventional job. I wonder how differently I might feel if I didn’t have 3 daughters I feel so hugely protective of. I wonder if I have my own subconscious judgments of what I do, that I’m projecting on to other people. Maybe deep down I’M not ok with it all. I don’t THINK that’s the case, I just sorta wonder sometimes if I’m more uptight than I think I am. heh.

Anyhow… I’m looking forward to my visit this week.

~Jane

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