double lifelines
Sun Jun 24, 2007
Many years ago, my good friend Heather read my palm over cocktails one night. She said I had a double lifeline – it was a long lifeline, but two that finally merged into one. I found it interesting at the time, because back then I felt quite split into two distinct lives: my life running this site and being active in the local BDSM community, and my “real” life as a mom and with family and friends who had no idea what I did for a living.
I’ve been trying for years to figure out how the two merge. When I met Elliott, I know I was tired of feeling so split – and the older the girls got, the more I was spending time in “real” life where they needed me. Gone were the days of getting a babysitter for an evening, to disappear to a club. For the first couple of years of life with Elliott, nobody in my new social circle knew any of this life. The subject would come up of what I did for a living, and I’d give some vague answer about computer work. As for why, I feel like it’s an even split between worrying about how I’d feel if people reacted negatively, and a very strong sense of not wanting to ever make others uncomfortable with the subject to begin with.
As for the alt life merging with the Elliott life, well – I had a few close friends come to our wedding, and tried to stay in touch as best I could, but again I found that without time for going to the things I used to go to, play parties and workshops and such, we just kind of fell out of touch. I’m off the guest lists, I no longer have time for Seattle or Vancouver visits, the emails have dwindled.
Now, for the first time, I feel the lives starting to merge a little bit. Most of my new-life friends know what I do for a living, and have no issue with it. I think a few of them find it racy, but nobody is judgmental or offended. It’s nice to not have to hide it, although there are still those people who ask and get the vague “computer work” answer. And for the first time someone from my “alt” life, Heather, is going to merge into the new life when she comes out sailing with me this week on a visit. She’s going to come on a race, and I’m finding myself excited about the prospect of sharing that element of my life with a friend that it’s new to. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve been real friends for ages – she knows and loves my girls – but THIS aspect, the new social circle, that’s new.
This all may sound weird, this whole entry, that I should have felt split. Or that I worry about who knows what about my life. If anything, the number of people who have reacted positively greatly outweighs the negative, when it comes to friends or acquaintances inadvertently finding out about my unconventional job. I wonder how differently I might feel if I didn’t have 3 daughters I feel so hugely protective of. I wonder if I have my own subconscious judgments of what I do, that I’m projecting on to other people. Maybe deep down I’M not ok with it all. I don’t THINK that’s the case, I just sorta wonder sometimes if I’m more uptight than I think I am. heh.
Anyhow… I’m looking forward to my visit this week.
~Jane
June 25th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
When i first started blogging about 2 years ago i felt like i was living a double life. Now i have kind of mixed my two worlds together, but there are times and places i’m still very much Vanilla. Specially at work when i’m in total control.
Great Post. Thanks
His Mija
http://SirKnightsRealm.com
June 25th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
It’s an odd thing, the double-life feel. One of the things I’m the most at odds with is whether I’m doing it selfishly (fear of being judged) or altruistically (fear for my children being judged and/or making others uncomfortable which i don’t find so cool to do.)
I judge myself if it’s the former, but I’m ok with the latter – ethically that one works for me. The problem is I’ll never really know because I’ll always be a parent responsible for the happiness and well-being of my daughters. Perhaps if it was just me it’d be easier to suss out. :)
June 25th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Because I don’t have a family to worry about, I’m able to be very selfish in who I do and who I don’t share the naughtier sides of my life with. Ironically, I’m not that secretive with people who I feel might judge me. Best to get it over and done with.
I’m much more secretive with people who I feel would see it as this reason to always make turn everything into sexual innuendo around me or that they think they’ll get something – either me or access to free porn or some other sordid something – out of being friends with a professional pervert. I’ve had a few people surprise me with their inability to deal with my choices but more so, I’ve had people surprise me with their acceptance and nonchalance about the whole thing. And then there’s the “peripheral friends” (those people who are friends of friends) who, upon finding out about my deviant side, find reasons to ask me to coffee alone so they can finally tell someone about their foot fetish, pink panties, desire for canings or…. their collection of marabou dildos. ;)
June 25th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
ah… Rae, our experiences are quite similar then. It seems like the people that I think at first are shocked are the same ones who later pull me aside to tell me that one little something.
although at this point, I’m the only one I know with a maribou trimmed dildo vibe. *grin*
July 1st, 2007 at 2:21 am
It sounds like you are in a place in your life where you are comfortable in your own skin. I have been reading and peeking at various versions of your blog since 1999 so I think I have a good idea how far you’ve come.
From that comfort you have the security to be who you are. Go ahead and be you. And enjoy!