Fri Jan 29, 2010
So I know I mentioned in my last post that I was sort of having a meltdown and needed to go figure some things out. I am happy to say that I’m feeling a whole lot better.
I haven’t written about anything of any importance (to myself OR anyone else) in so long that I have no idea where to begin. I don’t know who is reading, what backstory they know or don’t, or anything else. So I’m just going to jump back in as if I’ve been here chatting all along, instead of reality: that I’ve taken most of the last 5 or 6 years off.
Meeting Elliott was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I felt safe for the first time in my adult life, which is what I think I was largely seeking in bdsm. And no, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still identify as kinky. I do. I just think that my reasons have changed – while it’s still what turns me on, it’s not as much about filling an emotional void as before. Anyhow, with that happiness came a kind of severe anxiety about losing it. And that’s what I’ve been dealing with for quite awhile now.
After my last little episode this month, I decided to try something new: hypnotherapy. I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I knew it worked because I tried it like a zillion years ago. I was having surgery, and my doctor asked if I wanted to try it for post-surgery recovery. I found it had pretty amazing results. On the other hand, I had a former partner who was interested in that field for some very fucked up reasons, and I had an unreasonable worry that that reflected on people interested in that profession. Silly, I know.
Anyhow, long story short, after a little bit of this I feel like I have finally resolved some of the things that have been holding me back for most of my adult life. I feel like I’m finally able to see, after a long period of everything being covered by a haze of anxiety and fear. :)
And with that comes getting back to work. On this site, which I never really wanted to leave behind.
I’ve gotten email of all kinds for the past year. Some people telling me the site sucks now, some people saying that and then offering to buy it (my advice: that’s like telling a woman she’s unattractive, then asking her out. Don’t tell me what I have is crappy, then offer to buy it. Make your own.)
I’ve also had people write all kinds of wonderful emails, because let’s face it: in the vast world of adult content, there is still a hell of a lot of value on my site. You won’t come here, click a review, and get stuck in a pornado. Well, unless you try to because we’ve written a review trashing something and you decide to click it anyway. heh.
So I’m hoping to get back to being productive after far too long just kind of skating along. And you know how I used to end each blog with what I was listening to and what I was reading? Well now I’m going to add what I did productive on the site today, too. I find that helpful in keeping myself on track, kinda like a to-do list does, when I get to check things off.
p.s. skiing was awesome, and so far Elliott and I are sticking to our November resolution of always having at least one weekend away from teenagers and pets. December was Vancouver BC. This past weekend was Seattle. February probably will be also, since I will not be going anywhere near the Canadian border during the Olympics.
reading: Where the Love God Hangs Out – Amy Bloom (on my Kindle. Have I mentioned how I love my Kindle? it’s ridiculous how much)
listening to: Rihanna, Rated R (for my inner teenager)
site stuff today so far: went through the amateur category and removed 25 dead listings. Wow. Oh, and wrote to Jen n Dave, who are still there after 15 years!