Fri Nov 12, 2010
Over on Twitter, the folks at we-vibe tweeted me to ask what I thought of this column, by Ian Kerner, on DE (delayed ejaculation). It’s provocatively titled “The New Sex Issue and Why More Men Are Faking It.”
Apparently the “new sex issue” is delayed ejaculation. I’ll start with the fact that I don’t think this is new – it didn’t miraculously appear, I would just say that perhaps more men are talking about it than used to. The problem I have with this article is the implication that the only “right” way to have sex is 1. for it to culminate in orgasm and 2. for said orgasm to be reached in a certain way. While not explicitly stated, Kerner certainly implies that the “right” way is penile/vaginal intercourse, as a listed repercussion/symptom of DE is only being able to achieve orgasm through manual or oral stimulation.
I take issue with that. All of it. Elliott, in his mid-40s, does sometimes have the “problem” mentioned in this article. I had to put the quotes around it because neither of us considers it a problem. We don’t define good sex the same way this article does. Yes, we typically like it when sex involves orgasm for both of us. No, we don’t put a lot of rules around a “right” way of getting there. I personally find it totally hot to watch him masturbate to finish things off, if that is the way things go. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t, but we don’t put a lot of stock in which is “better”.
I think it’s problematic to turn this into some sort of dysfunction, AND it does nothing to further communication between partners to imply that the man has a problem if he has trouble achieving orgasm through penile/vaginal intercourse. It’s kind of the same way I feel when someone implies that a woman is “less than” if she needs clitoral stimulation or a vibrator during sex. If that’s what it takes to make you come, go for it! Are both people in the equation having a good time? If the answer is yes, then that’s good sex, not the specific mechanics each person might need to get there.