Wed Apr 4, 2012
I feel like starting with a little history first, for those who are new to my site, or new to my blog. Basically, if you weren’t on the very old site, or my defunct janeduvall.com, you’d know nothing of my poly history.
From about 1997 through 2003, I identified as poly. Ah, labels. I suppose I was sort of a bi-poly-sub. I kind of prefer to be label-less. Anyhow, it was all fairly awesome being poly for the most part. I did find that I was really more of a serial monogamist within poly, where I had one main interest at a time, at least sexually. I did play quite a bit non-sexually with more than one partner at a time though, and was happily friends with my partner’s partners. I met my best friend in the world, to this day, because we shared a partner.
Around 2001, it started going off the rails for me – I found that I had zero contentment. Sometimes if you view the world as everyone being “fair game” (or at least most of them) it’s worse than being single. At any rate, I was unhappy, antsy, just discontent.
When I met Elliott, we talked about the options quite a bit. We went to a couple of swinger parties, we went to a few events in my former sex-pos circle. We decided though that we were happier being monogamous, at least for now. Well, that “for now” has now been 8 years. Every once in awhile we revisit the idea, only to find that we still would rather carve out more time for each other in our busy lives, than to put that energy elsewhere. This always remains open to discussion in the future, of course, by either of us.
So I made the flip comment on the way to the airport for Momentum that it’d be “more interesting” if I was still poly. We laughed about it a bit, and I sort of thought I meant it. I was surprised, however, to find that it was just the opposite. I LOVED being monogamous at the con. With no desire to “cruise”, and no expectation to have anything happen, I actually found myself enjoying both the people I met and the conference itself far more than such things in the past. This isn’t to say that I didn’t find people attractive, I did. A couple of people in particular. But I find that I really enjoy getting to be around people I like and find attractive, with no expectation or need for a physical connection to actually occur. I can focus more on them, on the conversations, and so on when part of my brain isn’t wandering off to “what if?” land.
Is that weird? If it is, I’m ok with that.
I also found it interesting to read blog posts from other attendees after the con. Who felt insecure, who had tons of action, etc. Here’s a note: I believe pretty much everyone feels some insecurity. I know I did, just with introducing myself to people and trying to mingle. The rules are a bit different in this community than in the one I call home. I found myself accidentally touching people in conversation, say on the arm or whatever, without permission. A big no, but one I’ve become accustomed to not being a big deal in my current life. I apologized for it when I caught myself doing it, but it was still interesting to me that something so commonly accepted in my current social circle was something to keep checking myself on. I liked the other huggy/touchy people (here’s looking at you, Reid and Jamye) because that is my comfort zone.
I also realized that I have the same hard time reading people that I’ve always had in this community. I’m shy, yet my actual personality when I’m even remotely comfortable with people is effusive and chatty. I felt sometimes that people were looking at me like I had two heads when I’d act like myself. In short, I have a hard time feeling like I fit in most of the time. But that’s ok, it’s nice to be outside of my comfort zone occasionally for two reasons. The first is growth and experiences, the second is appreciating more what I have created for myself in my current life.
and look at me blogging, a whole two days in a row. :)