heteronormative privileged white whining
Fri Apr 6, 2012
One of the things that bothered me greatly at Momentum seemed to be the buzzword of the convention. “Check your privilege” was constantly being tweeted and talked about. Being vanilla or Republican or heteronormative or educated or wealthy seemed to be an auto-bad when it came to assumptions of the type of person someone was.
At the keynote, something (I didn’t write it down, I can’t remember exactly what struck me) made me think that Logan Levkoff, one of the panelists, gets a lot of assumptions made about her because she’s a beautiful, thin, blonde white woman. You know, the type that FOX News likes to make an anchor, because hate sounds so much nicer coming out of the mouth of someone pretty. I don’t know if she feels this way sometimes, I didn’t get the chance to meet her or ask her, much as I wanted to. But I was curious about it. It felt to me like the tone, convention long, was one of brinksmanship in pointing out other peoples perceived biases or lack of inclusion. It also felt like the tone was if you had privilege you couldn’t possibly have a valid opinion or experience or viewpoint to share.
There was someone there, I don’t know who, wearing a t-shirt that said “I want to fuck the privilege out of you.“ I saw it tweeted and retweeted, and I asked for clarification in case I was misreading the intent. Maybe there was something on this t-shirt, in the design or font, that was intended to show it was a lighthearted joke. To me, though, it sounded awfully darn rape-ey for a convention where “rape culture” was one of the buzz phrases all over the place. Replace that word with “gay” or “vanilla” or “straight”. It sounds icky, huh? It sounds threatening. Oh, and while I also heard it espoused that intent doesn’t matter, to me it very much does. You can help someone with good intent but a lack of life experience learn something new, if you’re nice enough about it that their brain doesn’t shut off. You can’t generally make a change if someone is intending to be hateful though.
I realize that I am probably defensive, because *I* have privilege. As did pretty much everyone there. Back when I started JanesGuide, when my kids were 2, 3 and 4 years old and I was a struggling single mom whose daycare cost was $100 more than her take home pay, I could never have afforded a plane ticket to DC. Hell, I couldn’t afford to put gas in my car to get to work. Now, through a combination of luck, hard work and possibly questionable moral character, I can not only afford to go to DC, but I can buy a first class plane ticket for the extra legroom and the anxiety-quelling free drinks. And I’m ok with that.
It felt, really very strongly, as if every conceivable privilege was suspect. Blonde? Privileged. Thin? Privileged. Homeowner? Privileged. But the way it was being used made it seem as if that was being equated to being a bad or uncaring person, excluded from any cause like sex education, equality, sex workers rights, and I don’t agree with that at all. My privilege allows me to give money to causes I care about. It allows me to help a friend (or a stranger) in need. It allows me to care for my family. I don’t think we need to shame people for whatever combination of things gave them an edge, all it does is alienate people to your cause.
I love the Amos Lee song, Freedom:
“I don’t wanna blame the rich for what they got
or point a finger at the poor for what they have not”
~Jane
April 6th, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Thank you very much for this. We get too caught up in buzz words and miss one the reasons for me that MOMENTUM was created. To take the knowledge and experiences from that weekend and each go out and make our own small waves that hopefully will begin to make change.
If it wasn’t for the privilege I have then I would never have been able to host or organize this conference. I feel that I’ve used my privilege to start those waves of changes.
Hope to see you at Catalyst when we hopefully will have a chance to chat more. Thank you also for your sponsorship of MOMENTUM. Without the financial support of our sponsors we would not be able to make MOMENTUM affordable.
Dee
April 6th, 2012 at 3:16 pm
hi Dee,
I think it’s important to point out that I got a LOT of good things out of the convention too, which I also need to blog about, and I will. I think you’re doing great work, and I was happy to support it and be a part of it.
best,
Jane
April 6th, 2012 at 3:23 pm
I, too, got a LOT of good things out of the conference. It was hands-down the best weekend I’ll have all year, and yeah I know it’s only April. But I will 100% agree with you, every time someone started talking about privilege I rolled my eyes. At the end of “Dirty Business of Sex Toys” it was thrown out and I couldn’t even believe it. To me it was very pot-kettle-black to be bitching about our privilege BY attendees who were therefore “privileged” in some way because they were there!! I ended my first wrap-up post with a mini-rant on privilege because I was anticipating a few whiny posts: I’m white. I’m cis-gendered. And yeah I was able to afford to buy myself a room and a train ticket, AND let someone stay with me for free who wouldn’t have been able to go otherwise. I don’t blame those who genuinely have financial troubles but you know what….don’t blame me for working my ASS off (selling sex toys!) for the money that paid for my trip.
April 6th, 2012 at 3:31 pm
I think the point of recognizing privilege and pointing it out for others, when need be, is to help illuminate blind spots that may prevent those who deserve a voice from having one. For instance, I’m able bodied, but I’ve been to conferences that put in extra effort to accommodate those with different disabilities. Because of their efforts at inclusivity, far more people with disabilities attend their conferences. If we don’t recognize that ease of walking, hearing, and seeing are privileges, it’s easy to ignore or dismiss the complaints or absence of people who don’t carry these privileges.
Or looked at another way, why would a deaf person who can’t read lips attend Momentum? There would be literally nothing they could participate in, including the keynotes. By ignoring this as a privilege, we effectively tell deaf people that they are not welcome at Momentum.
Yes, it sucks to be confronted with one’s privilege, but not everything can be overcome with hard work. Your example of overcoming economic barriers to reach a new level of class privilege is compelling, but not the complete story. Sometimes it’s more important to point out where we as activists can up our game to make supposed safe spaces safer for *all*. It requires work and often comes with a bit of shame, but isn’t it better to work harder so that we can get all the voices who deserve to be heard, heard?
April 6th, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Well, that didn’t take long, did it?
April 6th, 2012 at 3:39 pm
@Allison – yes….but does that visibility have to come at the expense of those that “have”? Can we not find ways to up the inclusiveness without tearing apart the thin, attractive, able-bodied, financially-stable, white, cis-gendered people who are there and haven’t actually done anything *wrong*?
April 6th, 2012 at 3:43 pm
hi Allison,
I think I understand your point of view, and I am certainly not arguing against trying to be as inclusive as possible. What I was trying to do was point out what I considered a blindspot: the counter-productivity of shaming people for things outside of their control. I don’t think privilege should be a dirty word, in other words. It is a thing that exists, but to shame someone for having a privilege seems to suggest that they should somehow try NOT to have it, which is ludicrous. There isn’t much I can do about my astounding good fortune of being born a white, middle-class American citizen.
And please note that I did account for a good deal of luck with my personal story, as well as the willingness to deal with doing a job some see as morally wrong, which is never that fun to deal with. I wasn’t doing the “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and so should everyone else” because that isn’t what I believe.
Jane
April 6th, 2012 at 3:45 pm
I didn’t go to the same workshops as you did, but I feel differently. I think it’s important to always be aware of the privilege you hold in society and especially in the context of feminism and activism we need to address these things. No one is faulting you for your privilege or even saying that you shouldn’t use it to your advantage especially when it comes to helping others. However, having privilege means that we sometimes forget to address the issues that those who don’t have as many privileges may not be able to address because maybe they couldn’t be there. Just because they can’t make it to this conference doesn’t mean they should be forgotten.
I was actually really happy that someone did do a privilege check in the Dirty Business of Sex Toys panel. Everyone deserves to have access to good quality sex toys, but the companies that were there mostly, but not totally, represented a higher end product. I was really happy that my former boss, Searah was called on to talk about this. After the talk I felt I needed to thank her for the values she instilled in me at my time at Early to Bed. Because of her I’m always thinking about both affordability and body safety.
I think a lot of people get defensive about their privileges in the same way that people get defensive if someone calls them out for being racist. Part of growing and becoming a better feminist/humanist/however you identify is realizing in what ways we hold up the status quo. It’s a hard thing to face.
April 6th, 2012 at 3:59 pm
@Allison – I saw the tweets about lack of ASL at MOMENTUM and we actually had two people lined up to do the opening and closing who fell through at the last minute. I relayed this info to the person who requested it and asked how to avoid that next year. Due to the content of our conference we can’t have just anyone do those sessions.
What I did not see was one person mention or tweet about the personal guides we had for our two blind attendees. They each had someone throughout the conference including Saturday evening entertainment. I think it is fine to point out something someone maybe doesn’t see or understand but what I don’t think is fine is to just assume something based on an observation. I am the parent of a disabled child and I think the experiences and battles we have faced because of that gives me the ability to understand and see things others always don’t and I try to use that when planning my events.
April 6th, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Garnet, I am just wondering what exactly I have to do to recognize my privilege. I AM recognizing that I have it, I am just refusing to be shamed for having it.
And for the record, as I mentioned when I was briefly in Rachel Venning’s awesome workshop, my own favorite sextoy is a $10 pocket rocket, and somehow I manage to muddle through.
April 6th, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I didn’t feel shamed by having people point out that we needed to check our privilege. But part of that is my huge amount of privilege for having majored in gender and women’s studies which tackles these exact issues.
I think Logan Levkoff did an amazing job of being upfront with her privileges and how they helped her get ahead in the world. She’s not saying “I can do this and so can anyone else.” She’s saying “Because of the way I look I am accepted in a lot more places and that’s part of why I do the work I do.”
I guess what I’m saying is that I saw it as less of an attack and more of a reminder to think of those people who should have input on the issue but don’t and how can we go about getting their input.
April 6th, 2012 at 4:27 pm
@garnet So I’m just curious then, what was your take on the tshirt I referenced? If the intent is not to use “privilege” as a pejorative?
April 6th, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Oh god no, that tshirt definitely crossed a line. I totally agree with you that that was rape-y.
Like I said, I attended different sessions than you did. So I did not witness all that you witnessed. And you may have very well felt shamed by some people and I would never try to discount your feelings.
In general I try to assume people mean the best and when privilege came up in the talks I was at I felt like they meant well and that in every session we should be addressing how our viewpoints are privileged. It’s tough work, but we have to do it if we really believe everyone should have a voice. Totally not saying that was your experience. But I think it’s important that we don’t completely negate the importance of addressing our privileges even in this context.
I just always worry about knee-jerk reactions of “it’s not my fault” because it reminds me of many other oppression issues. So I guess I just wanted to voice that I appreciated that people were asking others to address their privileges. And that I had a different experience.
Also, I would make so much more sense right now if I hadn’t caught the flu at Momentum. My head is going *woosh woosh woosh*.
April 6th, 2012 at 5:58 pm
I want to second what Garnet said so beautifully. Shaming=wrong. Privelage should be recognized, not shamed. And my experience at mcon was also, thankfully, positive. I’m sorry if it wasn’t that way for all.
April 6th, 2012 at 7:09 pm
About to get myself in trouble here but…
Thank you Jane for expressing what quite a few of us felt. It wasn’t that a question of privilege was mentioned during a session… it was that felt like it was over used and abused more to the point of nuisance and confrontation than a gentle nudge to be grateful for what you have created, where you sit and to be conscious of what you can do for others that aren’t in a like situation.
Being on the toy panel with that last “privilege check” tag at the end, it felt derisive, not constructive in the least. It was definitely felt like it was said for confrontation, yet not really well communicated. You can say those things, mention how costly our products may seem (I brought cost conscious silicone to the market in my attempt to mainstream it 14 yrs ago but I realize it’s still out of reach for many), how luxury items are created and marketed towards those of privilege and ask how we felt about that, or what we as companies did to reach out to those less fortunate- but that wasn’t was said. My eyes, unfortunately rolled when I heard the comment. The woman who said it seemed to have turned our messages off, and we in turn were turned off by hers. It was unfortunate.
After the seminar I thought of a much better response. I thought of the question in terms of material and design safety. I think the fact that we bring better materials and form factors that work, to the marketplace raises the level of quality of the whole market. The fact that I’ve harped and fought the print media that covered toys about phthalates and suffered both stores and medias wrath and for a while, felt ostracized from a good many retailers in the marketplace, etc. was a price worth paying. I keep the PDF of the Danish EPA’s study on sex toys available and accessible to everyone on my website- the only study I know that did a major study of what sex toys are made of and some of it we should all be ashamed of. It really doesn’t matter about your privilege if the companies making toys are killing you with exposure to cadmium.
This is how we fight inequity; we educate and we demand standards be met. My husband has his undergraduate degree in art and he puts it this way: When everything is BOLD the unbold becomes the bold. You have to use these powerful tools carefully for effect or nothing will be affected by them.
April 6th, 2012 at 9:24 pm
I agree with what seems to be the point of some commenters above that it’s the tone not the call out that has some people riled up. For all my privilege-naming tendencies, I did get a bit ruffled when Audacia Ray called out the privilege of the opening session, not because she *did* but her tone certainly felt condescending to me. This tone may have continued on such that people who felt affronted on Friday night continued to feel ever more so as the weekend continued.
That said, I second everything Garnet Joyce is saying. We need to check ourselves out of respect not shame. It’s what keeps us relevant, welcoming, and powerful.
Dee, I understand you may be feeling defensive that people are calling out what they see as oversights without giving kudos to the successes. I get that as an organizer you’re constantly dealing with critiques- that goes with the job description.
I used disability as an example not because of any specific mishandlings, but because it’s a good example of the need for vigilance despite the often invisibility of such populations.
I would hope that you would treat these tweets and comments not as shaming finger wagging, but as you would complaints about a crappy hotel choice or A/V problems (for purely hypothetical examples): an opportunity to address concerns from your attendees. People are calling out issues with ASL or POCs on the plenary because they care about inviting these people to the table; they want to see MOMENTUM thrive. These are the ways we help make that happen as activists- we point to the weak spots on the chain and ask for help reinforcing them. Some may be crasser than others in pointing this out, but complaining that we *are* pointing these things out doesn’t fix anything.
Like Metis said above, “This is how we fight inequity; we educate and we demand standards be met.”
April 7th, 2012 at 5:41 am
@Allison, I agree with you about the tone that was set at the opening and I wish it had not been. As an organizer I know I can’t please everyone and there will always be comments. It is one of the reasons we sent out the survey after the conference to have that important feedback from our presenters and attendees.
The point I was trying to make in my comment is that I think the check your privilege is thrown around at times without the person doing it knowing full details and IMO it becomes more of a buzz word than anything concrete. I’m all for calling things out that are wrong (done it many times) but I also think that at the same time the positive should be acknowledged and addressed. Metis’s comment is a perfect example of it. It is one thing to say check your privilege because these are high end toy mfgs but one needs to also look at the work and changes Metis has made within the industry to bring safer and better quality products to the public.
I would also like to see those calling out ASL’s or POC offer solutions. It is very easy for us all to say check your privilege, this is wrong or this needs to change but for me personally the more important aspect is offering solutions of how to make those changes.
April 9th, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Thanks, Dee.
I actually have a lot of constructive feedback about accessibility that I’d love to offer you guys. I didn’t, however, ever get a survey. I’ll email you and Tess later about it.