Nowadays it’s not sleep getting in the way, it’s privacy (sharing a home with 3 kids and 6 pets leaves very little uninterrupted time), stress, and most recently the added physical exertion of training for a triathlon. The physical activity is actually good, and I know it’s not just me, it’s pretty much proven that exercise leads to higher libido levels. Still, sometimes my body is pretty tired out, so I suppose then I can just communicate with Elliott “hell NO, I’m not going to be on top, my legs are shot”. Heh.

I wish I had a good cure-all for what to do when one of the above is getting in the way. The most obvious thing is to say “hey, make a little time for yourself” – but I do realize that most of us consider time for ourselves a luxury. It’s taken me several years to get over the mindset that if I’m not constantly doing things for either the kids or the husband, I’m somehow not doing enough. Now, I’ve fully embraced the idea that a happier and more relaxed me is the best thing I CAN give them. If I need it, I can say to Elliott “hey, I’ve just got to have a couple of hours – can you do x, y or z?” Sometimes he can, sometimes he can’t, since we’re both pretty busy, but we definitely TRY to help each other out, and encourage each other to have downtime.

I’m sure a zillion sex/relationship advice books say that – but there’s a reason: it’s totally valid advice. A long time ago, when I was in a relationship when my kids were that young, when I was sleep deprived, hormonal and stressed out, I found the time where I could: in the drive over to meeting the then-partner. I’d get a babysitter, and I’d have a half hour of driving to switch gears from stressed out mommy to sexual, hopefully interesting woman. That was the only “me” time I had back then, but I took it and it worked.

On another note, I have a lovely little getaway kit from Babeland to give away to a reader: it has massage oil, bath fizzies, little travel candles, lube, a cute little vibe, a condom – all the little accouterments one might need for when the mood does strike. Leave a comment, and I’ll happily pick a random reader to send it out to.

You know what I need help with anymore? desire to write. I’m having an easy enough time with sex, but writing? feh.

I don’t think I grew up in a particularly sex-negative household, it was more of a sex-apathetic household. My mother was a volunteer for Planned Parenthood for at least a decade (probably more) counseling teenagers about birth control options and reproductive choices. That said, I somehow got the feeling that she was exceedingly embarrassed to talk to her own two daughters about anything at all. I learned plenty about HALF of the important things: how to protect myself from unplanned pregnancy and STDs, but not the other important thing: the pleasure principle. If anything, I grew up thinking sex was normal but overrated. Then, marrying a man who was a product of a conservative sex-negative religious upbringing, I didn’t really have the experience or tools to have any pleasure in our sex life.

That was eons ago, but I want a better experience for my daughters than I had. My take on sex-positive is this: good sex is an integral part of our lives, necessary for physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing. And that is in whatever form is right for the person involved, be it gay, straight, bi, queer, poly, monogamous, kinky, ‘nilla, or whatever inbetween of any of those. The other part of being sex positive, to me, is to make myself available for questions, but not to foist information on them before they want it. They have access to tons of reading if they’re uncomfortable asking me things. They have their Aunt Heather if they want another adult to talk to, and their Auntie Natasha as well.

I don’t know how well I’m doing – what I do know is that each person is so unique, there isn’t one right answer. My oldest daughter will probably never speak to me about anything relating to sex. It’s simply not in her comfort zone. My middle daughter has already come to me for advice, birth control, and talked Auntie Heather’s ear off time and again with questions. I have tried to convey my opinions, which are to be safe, and to make sure sex is pleasurable for BOTH parties, something too often lost in teenage relations. That said, I also have my own limits with my daughters – my own comfort levels with what I do and don’t want to know. I may know that my middle daughter is sexually active with her longterm boyfriend, but I don’t want to be her best friend and hear the details, any more than she wants to hear about what Elliott and I do or don’t do. I think it’s important to respect boundaries there on both sides.

I will say that I am not the parent I thought I’d be. Now that they are teenagers, the reality of my emotion about things is not what I’d envisioned it might be. My oh-so-enlightened “anything consensual is ok” attitudes have been tested, with middle of the night worries. What it always boils down to is wanting to spare your children unhappiness or injury, physical or emotional. Unrealistic, definitely, but completely normal to wish for. Are we a sex-positive household? I hope so, but it’s not something I wake up thinking about how to do. It’s more of an attitude along the way, the little comments as issues are encountered. Saying something when awful mainstream media messages pop up in front of us, instead of letting them slide.

One of the things that’s always interesting is how a kid’s perspective differs from the parent. My own mother now claims that she never made the comment “sex is overrated” (which she did, repeatedly, when I was growing up) because she remembers herself being more openminded. How my own daughters will remember their upbringing remains to be seen, but I can almost guarantee they’ll remember it differently than I do. :)