Queen Breast from Pioneer-Products.com

reviewed by on Fri 20 Feb 2009

The very instant my Queen Breast from Pioneer-Products.com arrived, I Twittered the fact. I firmly believe that the world needs to know when one receives a breast via post.

“But what do you do with it?” asked Essin’ Em when she saw my Tweet, and I’ll admit that I was momentarily stumped. So we pondered together the erotic and not-so-erotic activities possible with a giant silicone titty. The list is as follows:

  • squeeze like giant stress ball while pondering the economy
  • prop open a door
  • weight down a stack of important papers
  • use as a sexy bookend
  • dress up as Eccentrica Gallumbits for Halloween
  • stick nipple up ass; bounce gently
  • play catch with friends
  • squeeze so that one bit protrudes; yell “It is not a tu-mah.
  • fuck it (even better if you have two)
  • substitute as surprise “snowball” during fight

The product is absolutely brilliant from a tactile perspective, at least if you enjoy enormous boobies. Weighing in at a sturdy three pounds — three pounds! — this treasure feels realistically firm, with smooth silicone “skin” and a large pinkish-brown nipple.

I gave it to my friend to hold. He pinched the nipple. “Just a little too squishy,” he pronounced, and then we both poked and prodded at it as it sat on my kitchen counter. Before long we discovered two things about the Queen Breast: The nipple-paint will eventually begin to rub away, and it can be dribbled like an amorphous basketball. I now can say with complete confidence that one’s life is incomplete until one has dribbled a huge disembodied breast on one’s kitchen counter. Word.

Next my friend and I tested the sturdiness of the Queen Breast by dropping it from a height. Try as we might we could not affect the Breast’s structural integrity. And it was wild to see it spread out and then instantly snap back into shape. I wished (not for the first time and most assuredly not the last) for a high-speed video camera.

But is the Queen Breast functional from an orgasmic perspective? I procured for myself a friend with a hard cock and some lube and we set to work. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much accomplished beside giggling as we attempted to encase his cock in the Queen Breast. It’s just too heavy and squishy to fuck alone. You really need a pair if you’re aiming for titty-sex.

My conclusion? The Queen Breast is a hoot. I’m absolutely certain that it’ll give me years of riotous fun. But it’s not particularly orgasmic.

Queen Breast from Pioneer-Products.com
Available at Pioneer-Products.com
$149 / pair