I wish I had a penis.  I wish I had a penis for vast multitudes of reasons, but for the moment we’ll focus on just one.  I wish I had a penis so that I could personally try out one of Tenga’s fab male masturbators available from GoodVibes.com.

Right now they carry the Lip Service and the Squeeze Play sleeves.  Both are made from recycled plastic and look at first glance like high-end shower products.  Leave either without any shame at all in the bathroom closet because they will blend right in with the shower gels, shampoos and hair care products.

Crack the label then open the lid on either of these products and you’ll find it oozing a clear, thick goo.  Don’t panic.  This is just lube, pre-soaked into a spongy styrofoam-like ring at the toy’s entrance.  This is good for the sake of convenience, especially if you’re traveling with the toy.  One less tiny bottle to pack and cary?  Awesome.  It’s not so great if you are particular about lube. I didn’t hate the feel of this lube on my guy’s penis (neither did he) but I also didn’t love it.  We’d have much preferred to add our own lube, thank you very much.

While Lip Service is a hint wider than Squeeze Play, they’re both available in two lengths, 6″ and 8″.  We requested the longer versions, and found them more than sufficient to handle the penis in question.  Both have a silvery sticker on the far end of the toy which can be opened slightly or removed altogether to vary the intensity of suction.  The Squeeze Play is also flexible enough to respond to a tightened or loosened grip. Both are lined with a variety of nubs, channels and ticklers which give constant stimulation to the penis.

My pal and I excitedly ripped into Lip Service one night.  As soon as his member grew rock-like in my hand, I knelt between his outstretched legs and applied the device to the appropriate body part.  I was surprised and delighted to feel it puff out a warm whiff of air directly into my face as his cock slid home.  This it did repeatedly as I tried not to giggle — and mostly failed.

Honestly I could have been guffawing, as my partner was so enamored of the Lip Service’s sensations that he wasn’t paying any attention to me.  “Does it feel good?” I eventually asked, and all he could manage was a vague moan.  Suffice it to say that it didn’t take long before he filled up the Tenga and collapsed back on the bed.

Hot.

Tenga designed both these items to be used once then discarded.  I’m not crazy about this idea.  To my mind, $16 or $18 should buy you more than one ride on the pony, if you know what I mean.  I couldn’t bear to throw away the Lip Service after only a single use, so I attempted to disassemble it for cleaning.  I failed miserably.  However, my pal tried the same thing after using the Squeeze Play on his own and had no problem cleaning it to his satisfaction.  He said that running warm water through the toy left it perfectly clean for the next usage.  Is this a difference in toy design or cleaning standards?  We’ll never know.

Overall I love these Tenga masturbators.  They provided discreet packaging, ease of use and enormous pleasure.  Plan on using them once or else hoping for the best when it’s time to clean up.

The artisans at SteelVineyards create remarkable products from stainless steel, leather, acrylic and natural semi-precious gemstones.  From cockrings to CBT devices to restraints to some of the most interesting insertables on the market, you must check out SteelVineyards’ amazing selection of unique toys.

My fancy was instantly captivated by the company’s G-Pops.  I’d never seen anything like them before.  When mine arrived at its new home I was even more amazed.  A long steel handle lightly cushioned on one end leads to the star of the show:  A heavy stone ball on the other end in your choice of highly-polished natural gemstones such as quartz, tiger’s eye and onyx.  Mine is shiny green jade and very pretty.

It’s pretty but quite seriously heavy.  As my partner balanced the G-Pop in his hand, he worried about hurting me with it.  “Are you sure about this, baby?” he asked.  Absolutely I told him, and with only a little lube and some preliminary oral, we made ready to insert it vaginally.

I was pretty blissed out, but not so much that I was unaware of a sharp crack as my partner brought the toy toward my body.  “Are you ok?” I asked, worried that he’d chipped a tooth and would soon be going to the dentist instead of making me come.  He assured me that all was well; he’d carelessly caught his chin in the hurry to get the toy inside of me.  Let this serve as a warning.  Use care with the G-Pop around chins.  Also, toes.

2 3/8″ inches in diameter may not seem like a very large toy, but trust me when I say that it is.  Two-plus  inches would be large in a soft silicone dildo.  Two-plus inches in something made of an absolutely unyielding material?  It’s HUGE.  But my partner used extreme care, and once the G-Pop wiggled past my pubic bone it felt amazing.  There was an extreme sensation of fullness which never turned into discomfort.  The nice thing was that it didn’t interfere with oral in any way.  I loved the contrast between his gentle lips and the hard pressure of the G-Pop.

Removal needs to be done very slowly; do not yank this toy out if you value the continued integrity of your pubic bone.  But once out, the G-Pop requires little in the way of care beyond a quick soap and water bath, then storage somewhere that won’t allow it to roll away.  We’re protecting our toes, remember?  I’m assuming none of us wears steel-toed boots while gettin’ busy, although if that’s your thing, rock on dude.

The fine folks who create the SteelVineyards designs tell me that they wanted to create a toy with a handle long enough that folks could use it during solo play if desired.  This they certainly achieved; the extended handle allows one to reach the vagina or ass with no excessive gymnastics.  Furthermore, they encourage couples to experiment with penetation along with the toy.  They say the G-Pop’s thin handle allows the penis plenty of room to coexist peacefully during sex, and that the ball guides it almost magically toward the g-spot.  I was a bit nervous about trying out this aspect of the toy.  A single very large stony-hard object in my vagina at a time was quite enough, thank you very much.  I didn’t need another.

After experimenting with the G-Pop several times, I’m really pleased with the sensations it offers.  Try it out if you’re fond of hard materials and intense stimulations.  Just be careful that it doesn’t break any bones.

If I were a guy, I would keep some sort of masturbation device with me at all times.  Sure, maybe just my hand would work, but I’d want something more.  Lube would be a great start, but I think that if I had a dick (and no willing partner) I’d want to slide it into something that felt as much as possible like another person.

No one does male masturbation devices like Tenga, a Japanese company whose wares are available in the US through ToyDemon.com.  Tenga’s entire line of toys is based on the ideas of discretion and ease of use.  Many of their other products look like toiletries; they could easily masquerade behind a dude’s body wash without anyone guessing that they were a jack-off toys.

Their newest toy looks even less like an adult product.  The Tenga Egg consists of a hard plastic egg shape which conceals a masturbation sleeve and lube.  Remove the label, crack open the egg and out pops a squishy white blob.  “This is it?” my partner and I asked each other, rubbing the soft nubbin in our hands.  “What in the world are we supposed to do with this?”

After a few moments of goofing off we realized that the white blob held a small plastic tube filled with a foil packet of lube.  We tossed out the tube, then I made to ready my partner for entering the egg.  Unfortunately I readied him a little too much.  Before I knew it I was bent over the couch and the egg was forgotten, clutched in my hand.  “How’d this get on my thumb?” I asked later, once we settled down.

He had no idea, but we made use of the time by testing the stretchability of the Tenga Egg.  We found that it could very easily be turned inside out, placed over a hand, or pulled out like gooey candy.  No one needs to worry about this product fitting.  I know it looks small.  But I promise that that it will fit any man.

After once again getting my pal to a suitable state of hardness, I dripped the very thick lube into the egg and placed it over the head of his cock.  It sat there like a blob of sputum (ew) until I worked my hand over it and began stroking him.  His face bore the signs of extreme enjoyment, so I decided to ramp things up by placing my mouth over the covered head of his cock.  The material had no taste, and while I’m not sure that he could feel very much through the Egg, he did appreciate the visual.

At about the time my partner got that look in his eyes like he was about to eat me alive, I noticed that some of the Egg was begining to slough away on his dick.  Only a little came off, but it was not a pleasant sight.  Additionally, the lube ended up extremely sticky.  We found it necessary to do a thorough clean-up before moving on to other pleasures.

The Tenga Egg is really designed to be a one-use toy, but if you’re feeling thrifty there’s no reason you can’t turn it inside out, wash it with warm soapy water and let it dry before the next use.  You won’t be able to do this forever, but it should last through several uses before too much of the Egg’s interior sloughs off.  And the price is certainly good:  Toss one in your luggage before a trip away from home and for under $9 you’re set for several days of solo fun.

Lelo’s new line of products for men includes a cock ring (featured here) and a couple of buttplugs.  I was hoping to score the Earl buttplug, which comes in either gold or stainless steel and includes a pair of nifty cufflinks.  Unfortunately, Earl retails for nearly $600 for the stainless steel version and almost $1000 for the gold version, making it way too rich for my blood — and my bottom.

Ah, maybe some day!

In the meantime, I’m very much enjoying Bob, Earl’s much more affordable silicone cousin.  Bob comes in deep blue or wine-like red and ships in the usual gorgeous Lelo fashion:  pretty gift box, fitted inner box, storage bag, instructions and one-year warranty.  You just have to love a sex toy that comes with both instructions and a warranty.

See that cute little ring at the base of Bob?  As soon as I pulled Bob from the box that ring begged to be placed around my finger so that I could twirl Bob around in a circle.  My partner and my cats were amused. Sure, the purpose of the ring is to keep the toy from slipping all the way inside, but who says you can’t have vanilla fun with your butt toys too?

Later I slid Bob home into my bottom.  Because of his small size, Bob would be perfect for even the most nervous anal amateur.  I am not, however, an anal amateur; even so, Bob felt awesome while my partner had his way with my pussy.  He could feel some slight, gentle pressure from the plug, but it certainly wasn’t as intense as what a male partner would feel from a glass or metal buttplug.

It was a pleasant surprise to discover how well Bob stayed in place during the fucking.  Because he’s so small and lacks a thin “neck,” I really expected him to shoot out like a cap out of a pop gun when I got excited.  He didn’t budge in the least.

Cleaning Bob couldn’t be easier.  Just wash him off with hot soapy water and he’s good to go.  To sanitize the toy between partners, boil it for three minutes or run it through the dishwasher with no soap on the top rack.  Using a silicone toy in the behind is much easier than messing around with some silly jelly toy, which will absorb stains and odor and cannot be sterilized.  Seriously, stick with silicone.

As nice as a $1000 buttplug might be, I’m perfectly pleased with humble, functional Bob.  But if Lelo decides to let me have a go at Earl, I’m not going to complain.

Far be it for anyone to accuse me of being greedy with my sex-toy choices.  Oh no!  As much as I possibly can, I solicit toys that can be used by my pals.  I do this not only for the sake of variety, but also because watching them get off is just cool.

To that end, I asked GoodVibrations to send me California Exotics’ Turbo Stroker.  I was hoping that I’d be able to watch my partner’s cock getting stroked inside while I did other naughty things to the rest of his body.  Alas, it was not to be.

But first a quick description.  The Turbo Stroker looks like a very large pepper grinder.  Removing the upper half-inch of the black portion exposes a nifty battery cradle, which made powering up the device easy.  A set of simple buttons allow the user to increase speed of stroking and strength of vibration.

I gave the Stroker a bit of a dry run.  Even with nothing inside the nubby gray sleeve, it moved up and down less than an inch.  I wanted to get an idea of the suction power the product could generate, so I gamely stuck it to my stomach.

Nothing.  I felt no suction whatsoever.  Hm, I could have sworn the box promised suction.  I checked back.  The box actually to help the user “get it up,” which I guess isn’t the same as suction.  However, the Stroker does generate ample vibration.  Ample LOUD vibration.  Even alone in the house I felt certain someone could overhear.

But I still held on to some hope that my guy would enjoy it.  Once I had him in bed, I got him hard in my usual inimitable fashion, drizzled a good water-based lube all over him, and slid the sleeve down over his shaft.

At first he said it felt great.  We turned on the vibrations gradually, and he got that look on his face.  You know the look, right?  The look like your partner is about to eat you alive?  Yep, he had that look.  But once we turned on the stroking function, that look turned to confusion.

Confusion, because the stroking did essentially nothing.  Even on the highest speed it did little more than jiggle around the tip of his penis.  It did NOT move up and down over his shaft.  Not even a little bit.

And the noise, oh boy the noise.  With my pal’s big dick sunk deeply in the sleeve, the Stroker sounded like a vacuum cleaner.  You would not want to use this in a house with roommates.  Unless you wanted them to giggle and point outside the door.

Furthermore, the Stroker did not fully accommodate my partner’s bid’ness.  Even jamming it all the way in, he had a good 2″ overhang.  An average-to-smaller sized penis will fit, but anything larger will be left out in the cold.

You might expect that something designed for average length would also feature average girth.  Instead, the Stroker sleeve is a solid 2″ wide.  Most men are not 2″ wide.  In other words, don’t expect a very tight fit with this product.

As if all this weren’t enough, we managed to break the toy twice in our very short testing session.  Twice his less-than-enthusiastic thrusting dislodged the top of the sleeve from its attachment to the motor.  We were able to reattach it both times, but that really wasn’t what we wanted to be doing right then.

GoodVibrations has many amazing, unique, quality toys.  Unfortunately, the Turbo Stroker just isn’t one of them.

Not long ago the mail carrier brought me a treasure.  She didn’t realize what was in the plain brown box, or maybe she did.  She must have noticed the look of joy on my face when she placed it gently into my hands.

What was this miraculous thing?  Only one of the coolest sex toys I’ve ever tried.  Jollies calls it Mr. Man, and if you didn’t know better, you might think it was a standard dildo.  A standard LARGE dildo, that is.  At 8.5″ long and a hefty 1.75″ across, this bad boy will fill up all but the most demanding size kings and queens.  Mr. Man is made of the same firm, 100% medical grade silicone Jollies uses for all their toys.

It’s gorgeous, as I hope you can see from the picture above.  Thick and veiny, it’s just as pretty as my favorite biological penis.

But here’s the stunningly cool part.  Mr. Man’s base contains a shallow indentation meant to fit over the clit.  This indentation connects to Mr. Man’s head by way of a very thin channel.  Once the toy is snuggled down over the clit (kiss it a little bit first, for the love of all that is holy), a willing partner can suck on Mr. Man’s head and give the wearer one helluva blow job.

“How can this be?” you might wonder.  “Does the suction really transfer down Mr. Man’s shaft?”

I can tell you most solemnly that YES IT DOES.  The blow job giver will need to concentrate on sucking (and less on licking, kissing and caressing) than would be typical in oral sex given to a person with a factory-direct penis, but sucking — even gentle sucking — transfers far better than you could possibly imagine.  My clit fluttered up into the indentation with every one of my partner’s sucks as though it wanted to leap right into his mouth.  It felt incredible.

Sure, oral sex with tongue directly on naughty bit is great, but it does lack a certain visual appeal for those of us who enjoy the odd bit of gender-bending.  I adored watching my guy with a big ol‘ cock in his mouth; even though this is something I’ve seen him do in person on another biological man, I loved watching him do it to ME.

Jollies has recently come out with an upgrade to Mr. Man which is harness compatible.  It now has a shallow indentation around the base into which an O-ring will fit.  My good pal and fellow Jane’s Guide reviewer Essin‘-Em tried out the newer version in a harness.  She and her partner had trouble finessing Mr. Man’s large balls into their favorite harness, and they struggled with the large size of the toy.  Check out her full write-up here, which features some mighty fetching pictures.

As with all silicone products, Mr. Man can be boiled, run through the dishwasher (top rack, no detergent) or cleaned with hot soapy water.  After a good cleaning, a silicone product like Mr. Man will be safe for sharing with a partner.

In general, silicone toys should only be used with water-based lube (Sliquid is an excellent choice).  However, since Jollies’ toys are made from 100% pure silicone, you can use a high-quality silicone lube (such as Eros Bodyglide) with them.  I own several products from Jollies and have used Eros Pjur on them extensively with no ill-effects.  If you’re nervous about this, test your silicone lube on the base of the toy first or just stick with a water-based lube.

Mr. Man is absolutely fucken brilliant.  Put it on your holiday list for all your female-bodied buddies who love the idea of getting a blow job.  They’ll thank you for it.

The Mr. Man Blog describes how stone butch Stacy took Mr. Man from fantasy to reality with the help of GoodVibes.com and Jollies.  Check it out.

Sweden’s Lelo has thus far been heavy on girl-toys and light on goodies for the boys.  But recently they released Bo, a cock ring unlike any other cock ring you’ve ever seen.

It arrives like Lelo’s other fabulous products, nestled in a form-fitting box with its charger neatly hidden under a divider. Included are the two components of the toy (the stretchy silicone ring and the vibrating bit on top) along with thorough instructions and a one-year warranty.  A sex toy with a warranty?  And instructions?  Awesome.

Like all other Lelo toys, Bo is rechargeable.  A plastic storage case is provided into which the recharging cord theoretically should plug.  This sounds like a really nice idea, because then the toy could be left out for discreet charging along with your phone, PDA, iPod and et cetera.  Unfortunately, I had a terrible time trying to get the plastic case closed around Bo, which must be disassembled before charging.  Finally I tucked everything but the top buzzy component out of sight.  No one would guess that it was part of a sex toy.  Er…I don’t think.

Charging complete, I attempted to reassamble the parts in preparation for a later playdate.  I found the two parts slightly difficult to slide together and even more difficult to slide apart.  I worried that I’d break the silicone ring by pulling on it too hard.  After a few repititions though, things felt smoother.

My partner is pretty well endowed, but Bo is so stretchy that he had no problem putting it on.  We should have turned it on before, however, because we worried about pinching some particularaly delicate skin as we pushed it into the “on” position.  Once we got it situated, Bo felt amazing.  My friend loved having it pressed against his balls as I blew him, and it felt great during intercourse.  It’s only got one speed, but we found it more than sufficiently strong.

I know I said above that Bo is for the boys, but that is in all actuality not really true.  Sure Bo can be stretched over a throbbing erection, but why stop there?  Wear it on a finger for some super-special digital fun.  Put it around the base of a favorite silicone dong to buzz the clit.  Turn a glass toy into a glass vibrator.  Pair it with a harness for extra-buzzy stimulation.

Despite my little quibbles with tricky storage cases and stiff sliding mechanisms, Bo ends up being one of the best vibrating rings I’ve ever tried.  Enjoy it during penis-in-vagina sex or lots of other fun activites as well.

You simply must incorporate safer sex practices into your playtime. We all know that.  But sometimes it’s difficult to transport the necessary supplies in a convenient way.

Enter Ready two Go, a company that provides hip kits perfect for keeping on hand at all times so that when that spontaneous hot encounter presents itself, you’ll be ready for action immediately.

Their kits range in size from itty-bitty ones loaded with a single condom and lube packet to slightly larger ones filled with enough supplies to last through an entire weekend of unbridled Bacchanalian glee.  The larger kits also feature personal wipes and disposal bags.  Each kit includes a small card printed with safer-sex basics and links to online resources.  Refills are available on the site, although there’s no reason why you couldn’t restock your kit from the drugstore if you so desired.

Everything comes packaged in a sturdy metal tin, and this is the real strength of the Ready two Go products.  No one wants to carry a condom stuffed into a wallet or bouncing around in a purse.  You need something sturdy, something that can handle a bumpy ride in briefcase, makeup kit or toiletry bag without danger of its contents being squished or punctured.  A tiny metal case is perfect for this application.

The cases are available with dozens upon dozens of designs.  There are super-girlie pink cases, bad-boy rocker themes, gender-neutral solids, camouflaged patterns, stars, stripes, and AIDS-awareness logos. There’s even one called “Booty Call,” with a picture of a thumbs-up, grinning telephone. You could spend an hour choosing.  There’s a case for every taste.

Because these cases are metal, you could easily stick them to the ‘fridge with a small magnet for convenient pre-date planning.  Or leave one in a purse or backpack for on-the-go fun.  Ready two Go makes it easy always to have one with you.

And the price is affordable enough to pick up a handful for your various bags or your group of friends.  Ready two Go will also produce customized lots of cases for use by sexuality educators or businesses.  Rates are available upon request and very reasonable.

————

Ready two Go promises to sponsor select charities with 10% of their net proceeds.

If I could, I’d like to watch my friend’s manhood slide into me.

Anatomy being as it is, that’s hard to do.  An alternative to watching him slide into me is watching him slide into a nice masturbation sleeve, like Maverick from Babeland.

So on a hot Saturday night, I did just that.   After getting him hard with my hands and mouth, I squirted some water-based lube into the textured blue interior of Maverick and slowly slid it down on my friend’s hard-on.

At less than 6″ long and with an opening that looks only large enough to admit a pinkie finger, some men might think their ginormous luv-swords wouldn’t fit into this toy.  However, my friend is on the outlying edges of the size bell curve, and Maverick was more than stretchy enough to accommodate both his length and his girth.

Don’t believe me?  When the toy first arrived (and just for fun, you understand), I attempted to stick my entire fist into it.  My fist fit.  If one were moved to do so, one could also stretch the toy lengthwise to nearly double its resting length.  I cannot imagine this toy not fitting any man.

During our playtime with Maverick, the sucking noises generated by the lube and the toy’s closed end were mesmerizing. My friend adored the stimulation provided by the dozens of little blue fingers, while I enjoyed the look of him penetrating Maverick.

We both agreed that the toy would work better for a longer man if the end were open.   Although there was plenty of room for his entire length, his head looked as though it was in imminent danger of bursting through the end of the sleeve.  While this was (shall we say) extremely exciting for me, if also would have been nice if I could have caught his cock head between my lips as he stroked.

It’s a toss-up.  Less suction, but the ability to apply lips?  Or less suction, but no ability to apply lips?  It’s up to you.

Because Maverick is so very stretchy, it can be turned inside out for cleaning.  Wash it up with soap and water, let it air dry, and Maverick will wait patiently for the next session.

With its non-descriptive appearance, Maverick would work well for someone who needs discretion in a sex toy.  No faux pussy lips or gaping plastic mouth here.   And Maverick sells for only $20.  You’d be hard pressed to find another quality masturbator at a lower price.   I highly recommend Maverick for solo or partnered play.

The Vibrating Mistress from Babeland arrives in a clear plastic tube, which is a really nifty sort of packaging because one can view the toy from all angles even before cracking open the seal.

Once you do break into the tube (it won’t take long; the toy’s pretty tempting) you’ll notice the relatively soft texture of VixSkin’s silicone.  This toy has all the wonderful qualities of other silicone toys (durability, sterilizability) while having a slightly more realistic feel than its firmer cousins.

The tiny included vibe features a cute little loop, which makes it easier to get the vibe out of the indentation in the toy’s base.  Someone might be tempted to slip the vibe up his (or her) ass, reasoning that the loop would help him (or her) with retrieval.  I wouldn’t suggest this.  Really.  There are much better toys for the behind that don’t have the danger of getting lost in the bum.

The Vibrating Mistress sports a decent length and a modest girth.  At 1.25″ across at its widest point, this is not the toy for size kings and queens.  It is, however, perfect for those new to vaginal or anal penetration.  Add to that the fact that it fits perfectly in O-ring harnesses and the Vibrating Mistress may be the perfect toy for strap-on fun.

I had other plans for my Vibrating Mistress.  My pal is quite fond of hand-driven anal toy play, so after slicking it up with lots of water-based lube, I slid the toy gently into him.  The vibe turns on and off by means of a tiny button in its base; once I hit this switch he started to move in a way I love to watch.  I wouldn’t call the vibe incredibly powerful (at least not when it’s encased in the Mistress’ silicone), but it was certainly enough to add some extra oomph to my friend’s experience.

My friend loved what the Vibrating Mistress did for him.  In fact, he claimed to prefer it over the much pricier Nexus Vibro.

The best use for the Vibrating Mistress would be for someone new to penetration or who doesn’t require the biggest dong ever.  Mistress’ soft texture and pleasing silicone qualities will provide years of pleasure.